Is He Your Man Or Is Your Head In The Sand?

 
Girl meets guy who seems to fit the description of her idea of "Mr. Right" He's nice, funny, attractive and, best of all, he likes her! She starts working on building a relationship with him, thinking of the future. She begins to dream about their wedding. She imagines what their children would look like. Then, out of the blue, everything comes to a screeching halt when he announces, "I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship"

What just happened here? If this sounds familiar to you, you may be relieved to know that it has a name: in Mars Venus terms, she was "living in the promise" This can happen to both men and women, but is mor! e common for the ladies. Woman often become attracted to a man and believe that he can make her happy before he has a chance to prove himself worthy of her affection. Once the woman decides to believe that she will get what she needs from him, she gives of herself and becomes invested in the relationship, before it has had a chance to actually develop. Instead of being receptive and responsive to the man's attentions, she is likely to initiate affection, in hopes of receiving his love in return. Unfortunately, what often happens is that the man actually becomes less interested rather than more interested.

Why does this seem to happen over and over again to people who deserve better? A big part of the problem is that many women skip the uncertainty stage of dating. They meet a guy, like him, and decide that they want to be in a relationship with him, without going through the process of asking themselves, "Can he really make me happy? Do! es he have all the qualities I'm looking for in a soul mate?" Instead, they start thinking, "I really like him. How can I make HIM happy so that he likes me?" While the woman has jumped ahead to the exclusivity stage, the guy is still working through his uncertainty. He may be overwhelmed by her attempts to win and please him, thinking that he can't possibly do as much for her. Before you know it, he decides to break up with her in order to avoid hurting her!

Living in the promise also can occur after a break up. Very often, what we are mourning is not the loss of our love, but the loss of the potential love. We don't truly miss the person we were with, but the person we thought they were. We were living in the promise, not in the reality. We were in love with the person we had imagined him or her to be -- we had not taken the time to find out who he or she really was. When we remain grounded in the actuality of what the relationship is, rather than in the hope of what it could be, we can progress through the dating stages and make sure we are choosing the right partner for ourselves.

Fantasizing about the future is fun, and there's no harm in it as long as you remember that it is just that -- a fantasy. The reality is in the here and now and we must take the time to step back to gain a true perspective on our relationship. Allowing the uncertainty stage to unfold slowly, and with thought, allows us the opportunity to really determine whether or not a relationship will truly meet our needs. If the handsome someone who seemed so promising two weeks ago just doesn't seem to fit the bill, don't be afraid to move on! Your mom was right when she told you that there are many fish in the sea. By fully experiencing our uncertainty, we are better able to live in our reality rather than in the promise, and that will make for a much happier future!


Russell Price ( relationshiptalk123@yahoo.com)
Relationship expert and author